Better Than I

The past month (1 month and 1 week to be exact) was quite an experience for me. I had to go through pre-residency in 2 different outstanding institutions...it was a month filled with so many emotions and honestly I have shed a lot of tears (as expected, given how emotional I can be) because I think no one is really 100% prepared for what is to come and nobody said it would be easy...

I kind of expected that I won't get accepted at UP-PGH but I wanted to go through the pre-residency there to learn, gain experience, and not regret that I didn't try...I'm also glad that I was able to meet new people and work with doctors who I know have so much passion in what they do. I actually admire those who applied for the 2nd time there because it shows their perseverance and as they say, good things come to those who wait...so my special mention and kudos goes to Marvin, Joti, and Denver! :)

Having to go through the process of rejection is never easy...but I wasn't as sad I thought I would be. Maybe because I know that whatever happens, God is in control. I'm reminded of David Campbell's song "Better Than I" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvWu82fE9gQ)

I thought I did what’s right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here

So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear

You know better than I
You know the way
I’ve let go the need to know why
For you know better than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing I don’t know
Is part of getting through

I try to do what’s best
And faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is put my trust in you

For You know better than I
You know the way
I’ve let go the need to know why
For you know better than I

I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was you who taught that bird to fly
If I let you reach me will you teach me

For You know better than I
You know the way
I’ve let go the need to know why
I’ll take what answers you supply
You know better than I

 

I often feel inadequate and unworthy. I honestly was not confident when I was doing my pre-residency at Manila Doctors Hospital (MDH). The past 2 weeks has been quite a ride and it was really exhausting given our every other day duty. But I also learned a lot of things and I was, again, able to meet doctors, especially the consultants, who excel in what they do, are passionate in giving quality health care to their patients, and who enjoy sharing their knowledge & expertise to their subordinates. I am also grateful I was able to go through the process and finish the whole pre-residency at MDH with wonderful doctors like Dr. Pau Reyes, Dr. Vanessa Tarongoy, and Dr. Iandrof Patricio. (To Vane, I will always be grateful for all the help you have given me...you have the zeal in what you do that I truly admire. I hope you'll continue to be as bubbly and positive as you are...don't ever change. Let's keep in touch. To Pau and Drof, let's take care of each other, okie?)

I didn't think I'll actually get in...But I did. I realized that it wasn't my doing, rather, I feel that it is God's will working in my life...I'm just His instrument. In so many ways, I feel like I have disappointed Him with all my self-doubting & insecurities...but He continues to make me feel loved and provide me with overwhelming blessings though how undeserving I may feel...I just hope I could be better as I face another chapter of my life as a doctor...

I am now an incoming first year resident of the Department of Internal Medicine at Manila Doctors Hospital. MDH would now be my 2nd home in the next 3 years. I know it would not be a bed of roses nor a walk in the park...not knowing what lies ahead is actually scary (sympathetic nervous system activated non-stop!)...But what gives me comfort, amidst all the struggles & storms inside me, is that I know the Greatest Physician, who is always beside me, knows better than I...and that is enough reason for me to get through the day. :-)